It's Late: Here's what I'm thinking

Life’s weird, isn’t it? You live in your head for most of it while trying to navigate an outside, material world, filled with other minds interacting positively or negatively with your own. Who came up with this plan? My entire life has been one of spiritual inquiry. Trying to find value in my existence other than just “doing” what’s expected in a lifetime. There’s more, right? I think all of us know this in some way. For some it’s a tiny voice urging them to seek something greater than they are, for others maybe it’s a quiet desperation of not understanding any of this, just the feeling of an emptiness…a void that can’t be filled or understood. Or, a combination of the two?

These are just new ponderings on an old topic for me, sending it out to the universe late at night because I can’t sleep. Late at night?...it’s already 6am!

But why are my self-inquiries so frustrating lately? It’s like I know there’s something I’m supposed to “get” in this lifetime and I’m missing it and growing more frustrated. I think that’s why I started the YouTube channel. I thought it was to share what I know, but after the second one I realized that compared to other channels on similar subjects, I have very little to offer. It’s more a wandering and a wondering into a dark void looking for others to respond back…sort of confirming that someone else knows what I’m trying to understand.

What’s equally draining, especially at 6 in the morning, is that I know what I need to do. Meditate. Reflect. Begin again. The answer is waiting there for me in the silence.

Why struggle with this? I know how to find the answer I’m seeking! Now, I guess the realization of accepting that I find it difficult to allow the moments of quiet that are needed to hear the answers I'm looking for.

Not to look to put the blame elsewhere but in part, I think it’s my ADHD. Always running around like a chicken with its head chopped off. Freaking out, running here and there, never settling until it's dead. Well, these ponderings just took a weird turn.

Just tired of a mind that won’t calm down enough to allow the answers to be heard…or for me to sleep!

So, on an early morning, in quiet desperation, I’ve made a goal for myself: to remember to spend more time looking inward, even when the ADHD-mind wants to freak out…let it freak out via an inner journey instead of a material one. To remember when things happen to say, “what does this look like if I see it from within?”  To see it from a place of accepting all as it is and not wondering, worrying, or hoping for another outcome.

I’ll still do the YouTube videos…I’m just not sure right now what direction that will take. I do know it will be a very obscure channel with a small following…but that’s fine. Interaction and comments would be great, but if not, maybe it’s something my grandchildren will look back on and know, “that’s my Oma.” Maybe that's enough.